I don’t always review lousy soundtracks, but when I rediscovered The X-Files: The Album in my music library, I just couldn’t help but tear it apart. Because, when I bought it back in the day, it was a let down to listen to and to play for my games.

First, and most important: the original opening theme from the show isn’t on here. You get a version by the Dust Brothers which sounds a bit like elevator Muzak.

The only redeeming feature of this song is the hidden track at the end (not featured in the link above) where X-Files Producer Chris Carter gives way the entire overly convoluted plot of the television series.

Second: Most of the other tracks are just bad–even as Motion Picture Soundtracks go (which are basically “B-Sides” from popular or semi-popular artists). Many of these are covers of original songs–like “One” by Filter, “Crystal Ship” by X. Sting and Aswad did a cover of “Invisible Sun”–why didn’t they just use the original song?

Not even Bjork, Foo Fighters, and the Cure can save this album. (Well, maybe The Cure’s “More Than This” isn’t so bad).

The only two songs that are salvageable for your games (or just to listen to) are “Black” by Sarah McLachlan and “Teotihuacan,” by Noel Gallagher.

Other than those two, skip this album.