Easily following the ludicrous notion of Game Master accreditation and is the idea that players must undergo a similar process.

In fact, I believe if there was an RPG accreditation process, it should start with the players. A system like this would be useful to keep the riff-raff out of my games and the hobby as a whole.

As part of this accreditation, all new players to Dungeons & Dragons roleplaying games must watch an online video series about the following topics:

  • Basic Health and Hygiene
  • Group Etiquette and Manners
  • Scheduling and Time Management
  • The Five Geek Social Fallacies
  • Life Away from the Tabletop
  • How to Roleplay
  • How to Rollplay
  • Why the GM Runs Games for Food
  • Let the GM Finish Talking
  • Why The GM’s NO Means NO
  • When the GM Smiles, it’s Already Too Late
  • When the GM Hates You: Rot Grubs, Ear Seekers, and Throat Leeches
  • Tilting at Windmills, Attacking Gazebos
  • The Head of Vecna
  • $#^! Gygax Said
  • Why $#^! Gygax Said Won’t Matter Here
  • Lies Jack Chick Told You
  • Ni! and Other Quotes You Shall Not Utter
  • More Rules, More Options, More Problems
  • We’re Using Ascending AC and BAB, but here’s THAC0 explained
  • All Editions of D&D Are Fine (except for Fourth Edition)
  • G-A-M-E-B-A-L-A-N-C-E Spells ILLUSION
  • Crying and Whining Won’t Resurrect Your Favorite Character
  • Why Girls Don’t Want to Hear About Your Favorite Character
  • Why Non-Gamers Don’t Want to Hear About Your Favorite Character
  • Why Nobody Wants to Hear About Your Favorite Character
  • It’s Okay to Laugh When Somebody’s Favorite Character Dies
  • Don’t Touch My Rule Books With Your Greasy Fingers
  • …And Now the Severe Beating of an Obnoxious Rules Lawyer

Prospective players will have to take a quiz after each video, except for the last, which will be like one of those bloody Driver’s Ed videos, featuring a game master severely beating a rules lawyer with his own hands. One particular grueling scene has the rules lawyer, barefoot, stepping across a floor covered in d4s.

I haven’t decided on the video’s soundtrack. Maybe Hurt, by Johnny Cash, because the rules lawyer really does it to himself.

Once a newbie has finished these online course, they’ll receive an official certificate and card which states I’m not a Wang-Rod. (To borrow an term from Matthew Colville).

Of course, I’m joking.

Even the idea of accreditation for Players and GMs sounds like a headache waiting to happen.

I can accredit my own players and chose my own GMs, thank you.